Slip n Slide-not just a fun game!

Yeah, I remember those old slip and slides–cheap summer fun! Those and the old hose and sprinkler!   Nowadays, to appease the average pre-teen, it’s all about the fancy water parks. Geez!

Anyways, I digress.  My road has once again become rocky, eating has been way off track and exercise non-existent, but this time, I think I know at least why.  You see, as I work the OA steps, it’s like doing work on yourself, which means coming face to face with some realities.  And the realities are–I am an emotional wreck! I used (and still use) food to suppress any strong emotion–to block it out.  Now,as an adult, I can realize how totally f*&cked up that is!

I really don’t know how to handle some emotions well, especially anger and resentment.  And those, my friends, will eat you up–literally! Good thing I am also in therapy, because this sh$t is tough!  There are reasons I blocked them out in the first place, you know??

But today (and “for today” is OA’s motto, practically), things are well, food is on track, and thoughts are (mostly) positive.  I hope to get some exercise in today, and I plan to continue to make good food choices for the rest of the day.  I will also start using my tool of writing more when an emotion or experience arises that I don’t know how to deal with.  

So, put away the slip n slide for now–it’s just too cold anyway!


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On a wing (chicken) and a prayer!

Being the compulsive person that I am, as well as a food addict, I had it in my head to have some BBQ  wings this weekend.  Now, when you are a compulsive eater, these kind of thoughts don’t just go away—they consume you!  I couldn’t stop obsessing about this craving, even asking my therapist for advice.  It didn’t help that the TV ads were all about game day and what food is great for the game??? Wings!  I even prayed to get the thought out of my head…

Anyways, I made a plan to have 1 portion of wings, and buy an individual dressing packet instead of a bottle since I could realistically use up the whole bottle of blue cheese on just a few wings!  I followed through with my plan–mostly.  I had 2 more wings than intended, and a bag of chips, but still, not bad–could have been much worse!

So, I ate my wings–did I enjoy them? Somewhat, yes, but it was more that my mind stopped thinking about them once I started eating them. That’s where the true enjoyment lies–when my mind stills itself.  However, early in the morning/late at night (depending on your perspective), I started feeling very unwell—not going to be detailed here, but you have 2 ways food can come back out, you know???  Interestingly enough, there was a reading in the AA book about cravings being like allergies.  I totally get it now! It was seriously like I was allergic to those wings and my body was training to rid itself of them!

Thanks, higher power, for this lesson!  May I remember it the next time I obsess over this particular food!

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Abstinence—a goal worth trying for

In my OA program, we talk about abstinence.  Abstinence is defined as: “a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure”.  This is really odd when I think about it and my own version of abstinence, as it relates to OA.  Does food give me pleasure? Do I enjoy bingeing?  

I can’t say that I’ve been one of those who eats when they are super happy; rather, my over-eating is usually to block out some kind of strong emotion or feeling.  To numb out, so to speak. So, while I enjoy food, I think food causes more pain than it’s worth!

Anyways, in OA, we define our own abstinence and this is mine:

-No bingeing

-No second helpings that are unplanned

-Tracking everything I eat and being totally honest about it!

So far, I’ve been abstinent 3 1/2 days, and I’m damn proud of it, since this disease is really trying to kill me.  Last week, I ate to huge excess, and also drank to excess!  So, I’m counting my days and working my plan the best I can.  Recognizing the positive things I did for my plan, myself, others, etc. is something that I’ve been working on too, so that I can keep moving on the right path. 

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Back in the saddle, but the leather is already chafing!

Thanks for those still hanging with me.  It’s been a year (!) since I started my healthy life style and certainly there have been curves in the roads, shortcuts that became long-cuts, dips and hills, and some spin-outs.  I am still maintaining a 100 pound weight loss–but it should have been 122, so I’ve gained back 22 pounds!! Yikes! Clothes are starting to get a wee bit tight, so I’ve got to get in control of my life, and especially, my food addiction.  Looking way into the future is scary for me, so I’m gonna take this slowly.

So, for today (a common theme in OA by the way), I have resolved to do the following:

1. Take my vitamins and anti-derpressants! (Done)

2. Write down/track everything I eat or drink (so far so good) So far, I’ve had a greek yogurt with apple slices and coffee for breakfast, a Kind bar for snack; tuna with green beans and wasa crackers for lunch.  PM snack will probably be tea and an orange or an english muffin with light cream cheese.  Dinner will be tofu teriyaki or beans and rice or even maybe a salad–not sure what I feel like yet.

3. Think positive thoughts, trust in HP (failing!)

4. Prayer daily (Done)

5. 30 meetings in 30 days (this can be phone, in person meetings, on-line and even pod-casts) (Not done yet, plan is to do a podcast on the way home)


There are some recent developments in my life that have me doing a lot of questioning–of myself, of my HP’s will for me, of other’s intentions. I hate feeling on edge, defensive.  I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I have a heavy foot, so just imagine how I am feeling. But, enough of that—I CAN DO THIS, I WANT THIS, I AM WORTH THIS!!!!

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Oops, I did it again! (and again and again!)

First, Happy New Year! And yes, I have been gone for a long, long, long time!

Yup, still in that ole self-destructive pattern.  But a lot has happened since you’ve heard from me last, some of which I couldn’t even talk about prior because it was a surprise!

1. In June, my siblings started contacting each other via e-mail since one of us had realized it was my Dad and Step-mom’s 25th wedding anniversary that August.  What were we going to do about it?  There were lots of suggestions, such as a family trip to the bahamas, a party, or renting a houseboat on Lake Mead, and finally, a reunion of sorts for Thanksgiving.  Apparently, most of the family gets together in Phoenix for Thanksgiving yearly, so to some siblings, this was not all that special.  However, for me, it was a big deal! I hadn’t been around the extended family for a long, long period of time.  For me to agree to a trip showed incredible growth.  But, then the anxiety started to set in.

My eating, which had been slipping since late September, really started to spiral where over-eating at dinnertime was becoming a regular pattern, and exercise was sporadic at best.  I increased sessions with my therapist, as well as with my trainer so I would at least get some exercise in.  I went to more OA meetings than usual, but none of this really was helping.  Not only did I have fear about being with my family knowing how isolated I feel, but I had to fly, one of my biggest fears.

I won’t go into all the details leading up to the trip, but let’s say I busied myself with making plans and taking charge of the details for that weekend’s celebration.  It helped me to re-focus.

How was the trip, you ask? Well, better than expected, actually.  Food was on par, even got some good exercise in, but I did have some moments where it was all too overwhelming and old insecurities set in.  So, it was a good decision to go, and things worked out, but it did leave me with an issue–I had done damage that I didn’t know how to repair! By isolating, I missed out on so much that I didn’t have much to relate to anymore.  I barely knew some of my family members at all anymore. Now, what can I do to change that?  I need to figure that out.

2. Then, a month later was my big trip! I flew into New Orleans (met up with my folks in Houston) and spent a week slowly making my way to Florida.  Then, a week cruise in the Carribbean.  Well, eating and plan was actually mostly good the first week, but the minute I got on the boat, it was no holds barred! I ate compulsively and excessively.  I gambled daily, racking up a bill way over my budget.  The weather was not so cooperative, but still–I had a great (and memorable) time.

3. Since coming back home (January 6), I have really struggled.  Not exercising, not taking my medications regularly, eating like total sh*t, the works. Have a don’t care, life sucks, woe is me attitude.  It is not working for me anymore, but I feel like I don’t know how to get back on my plan, how to motivate myself, and how to really commit to my program.

So, how do I pick up the pieces? I’m still working that out, so stay tuned….

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At least I’m not a commitmentphobe!

To help me on my journey, I’ve made several recent commitments.  Some to myself, a couple to other people.  Let’s recap, shall we?

To my sponsor:

1. Writing three times in the mornings

2. Using the step-aside prayer

To my peers/friends:

1. Exercise 4 days this week! (one down already)

To myself:

1. When a negative thought/expression is coming out, change it to become positive! For instance, if I start complaining about something, I have to quickly find something to be thankful for.


To some, these commitments may not sound like a big deal; to others, that’s a lot!  I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get my journey on the straight and narrow since it’s been such a winding road lately.

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Absence makes the….waist grow bigger!!?!

Yup, I’ve been absent from my own blog for some time, which means I’ve been absent from my journey. And I deserved a gain of almost 7 pounds!!!! Shit!  It’s been, well, a rocky road for a month now, with more downs than ups.  Why? Can’t quite figure it out, but here are my best guesses:

1. Holiday time: it’s that time of year, with a couple of holidays neck and neck, and with the days getting colder and shorter, and in essence, darker–well, it leads to one big moodygal!  I don’t really think the holidays themselves are the problem, since I’ve spent more Thanksgivings with friends than family (who really doesn’t do a big deal anyway), and I don’t celebrate Christmas.  So, what’s up with that??

2. Upcoming vacation where I have to fly!!!! I hate flying and I’m stressed already!

3. It will be my cats’ birthday in a few weeks (story will be coming soon–you don’t want to miss that one!!), and I’ve been really thinking of them lately, missing them…

4. Recent tragedy for a friend that shook me up.  Also reminded me how much I HATE funerals—just too emotional for me!

5. Emotional overload: Even with therapy, OA, training, etc., I still am struggling with resentment, anger, fear and acceptance. The tools that I was using at the start of my journey are either not working for me, or I am just not working them (and I don’t know why not!).


Well, that’s what’s going on lately.  On the positive side (and there has to be a positive side, especially when dictated by my therapist!)

1. My sponsor has been great, and has really surprised me! I confessed that I had recently lied to her by lying to myself about recent binge episodes.

2. I’ve got some new tools to try out that I am feeling good about: writing in the mornings, using the “Step aside” prayer, meditating when possible, and closing the day with the good, bad and ugly about my day so I remember that the journey is truly one day at a time.

3. I kept my personal training sessions, and do actually feel like I’m making some progress. Oddly, while exercise has been difficult to get back into for me, these sessions–I look forward to! Thanks, Del!

4. Supporters: I’ve met some fantastic people in program, and it goes beyond the eating–they are friends!

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