Category Archives: Humor

Oops, I did it again! (and again and again!)

First, Happy New Year! And yes, I have been gone for a long, long, long time!

Yup, still in that ole self-destructive pattern.  But a lot has happened since you’ve heard from me last, some of which I couldn’t even talk about prior because it was a surprise!

1. In June, my siblings started contacting each other via e-mail since one of us had realized it was my Dad and Step-mom’s 25th wedding anniversary that August.  What were we going to do about it?  There were lots of suggestions, such as a family trip to the bahamas, a party, or renting a houseboat on Lake Mead, and finally, a reunion of sorts for Thanksgiving.  Apparently, most of the family gets together in Phoenix for Thanksgiving yearly, so to some siblings, this was not all that special.  However, for me, it was a big deal! I hadn’t been around the extended family for a long, long period of time.  For me to agree to a trip showed incredible growth.  But, then the anxiety started to set in.

My eating, which had been slipping since late September, really started to spiral where over-eating at dinnertime was becoming a regular pattern, and exercise was sporadic at best.  I increased sessions with my therapist, as well as with my trainer so I would at least get some exercise in.  I went to more OA meetings than usual, but none of this really was helping.  Not only did I have fear about being with my family knowing how isolated I feel, but I had to fly, one of my biggest fears.

I won’t go into all the details leading up to the trip, but let’s say I busied myself with making plans and taking charge of the details for that weekend’s celebration.  It helped me to re-focus.

How was the trip, you ask? Well, better than expected, actually.  Food was on par, even got some good exercise in, but I did have some moments where it was all too overwhelming and old insecurities set in.  So, it was a good decision to go, and things worked out, but it did leave me with an issue–I had done damage that I didn’t know how to repair! By isolating, I missed out on so much that I didn’t have much to relate to anymore.  I barely knew some of my family members at all anymore. Now, what can I do to change that?  I need to figure that out.

2. Then, a month later was my big trip! I flew into New Orleans (met up with my folks in Houston) and spent a week slowly making my way to Florida.  Then, a week cruise in the Carribbean.  Well, eating and plan was actually mostly good the first week, but the minute I got on the boat, it was no holds barred! I ate compulsively and excessively.  I gambled daily, racking up a bill way over my budget.  The weather was not so cooperative, but still–I had a great (and memorable) time.

3. Since coming back home (January 6), I have really struggled.  Not exercising, not taking my medications regularly, eating like total sh*t, the works. Have a don’t care, life sucks, woe is me attitude.  It is not working for me anymore, but I feel like I don’t know how to get back on my plan, how to motivate myself, and how to really commit to my program.

So, how do I pick up the pieces? I’m still working that out, so stay tuned….

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At least I’m not a commitmentphobe!

To help me on my journey, I’ve made several recent commitments.  Some to myself, a couple to other people.  Let’s recap, shall we?

To my sponsor:

1. Writing three times in the mornings

2. Using the step-aside prayer

To my peers/friends:

1. Exercise 4 days this week! (one down already)

To myself:

1. When a negative thought/expression is coming out, change it to become positive! For instance, if I start complaining about something, I have to quickly find something to be thankful for.

 

To some, these commitments may not sound like a big deal; to others, that’s a lot!  I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get my journey on the straight and narrow since it’s been such a winding road lately.

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Absence makes the….waist grow bigger!!?!

Yup, I’ve been absent from my own blog for some time, which means I’ve been absent from my journey. And I deserved a gain of almost 7 pounds!!!! Shit!  It’s been, well, a rocky road for a month now, with more downs than ups.  Why? Can’t quite figure it out, but here are my best guesses:

1. Holiday time: it’s that time of year, with a couple of holidays neck and neck, and with the days getting colder and shorter, and in essence, darker–well, it leads to one big moodygal!  I don’t really think the holidays themselves are the problem, since I’ve spent more Thanksgivings with friends than family (who really doesn’t do a big deal anyway), and I don’t celebrate Christmas.  So, what’s up with that??

2. Upcoming vacation where I have to fly!!!! I hate flying and I’m stressed already!

3. It will be my cats’ birthday in a few weeks (story will be coming soon–you don’t want to miss that one!!), and I’ve been really thinking of them lately, missing them…

4. Recent tragedy for a friend that shook me up.  Also reminded me how much I HATE funerals—just too emotional for me!

5. Emotional overload: Even with therapy, OA, training, etc., I still am struggling with resentment, anger, fear and acceptance. The tools that I was using at the start of my journey are either not working for me, or I am just not working them (and I don’t know why not!).

 

Well, that’s what’s going on lately.  On the positive side (and there has to be a positive side, especially when dictated by my therapist!)

1. My sponsor has been great, and has really surprised me! I confessed that I had recently lied to her by lying to myself about recent binge episodes.

2. I’ve got some new tools to try out that I am feeling good about: writing in the mornings, using the “Step aside” prayer, meditating when possible, and closing the day with the good, bad and ugly about my day so I remember that the journey is truly one day at a time.

3. I kept my personal training sessions, and do actually feel like I’m making some progress. Oddly, while exercise has been difficult to get back into for me, these sessions–I look forward to! Thanks, Del!

4. Supporters: I’ve met some fantastic people in program, and it goes beyond the eating–they are friends!

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TGOO…..

As in, “Thank G-d October’s Over”!

Yes, it was not a month of good memories, especially when it comes to my food and exercise plan.  What tripped me up so much? Hard to say—combination of things, like, having my schedule and routines change frequently, the weather change, still recoiling from my late September binge week, etc.  Sure, I can come up with what I think would be good excuses, except–this is no time for anymore excuses.  If nothing else, I’ve learned that I am fully accountable for my disease.  Although I seriously don’t feel in control of my compulsions, it’s still me that is doing the damage.

Sigh.

Still, I am hopeful, and not all is a wash.  I’ve been consistent with my personal training, I haven’t gained more than 2 pounds back, (and then lose them and gain them, and lose them and gain them—), I am working with a sponsor now, though we are still on baby steps, and I feel like I can still do this.  So, watch out November!

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Boom! went my week….

It all started out fine—knowing that I was going to be on “staycation” for a week starting Wednesday, I breezed through my Monday and Tuesday, with a fine workout Monday evening.  And then—we took a slide on the slippery slope!

Wednesday: Indulged in Compulsion #2–a day at the casino.  While I stayed within budget, I did not quit while I was ahead.  Can I say I enjoyed my day? Yes and no.

Thursday: Compulsion #3–spending money without really thinking about it. Wasn’t having the best of days, had some difficult conversations with people that got me upset, so I took it out by….ordering a Kindle.  Now, I don’t need a Kindle, and I had just upgraded my iphone, so why??? (OK, so yes, I had been thinking about a Kindle for some time but rationalized that I could save a little and use it as a reward for reaching a certain weight loss milestone).

Thursday PM: Compulsion #1—Feeling buyer’s remorse, I found myself eating one slice of pizza, then another, then another—all within 10 minutes! If it hadn’t been put out of sight, it would have been gone!

Friday: Feeling sickly from pizzagate, didn’t eat much or exercise either (pretty awful TOM too!)

Saturday: While I had some good exercise, I goofed with food-again.

Sunday: Went to water aerobics class to find out—pool was closed for renovation! Got sad news about a friend, felt stressed but DID NOT eat about it (rather, slept lots today).

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Food Diary: Day 278 (Oct 26)

Breakfast:  None–full from my pizza splurge 😦

Lunch: Trader Joe’s Reduced fat chicken salad

Dinner: 2 potstickers, 1 cup steamed chicken and vegetables, garlic sauce

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Food Diary: Day 277 (Oct 25)

Breakfast: cottage cheese, light carmel latte

Lunch: Ham and cheese sandwich (wheat pita), 1 TBSP. blue cheese dressing

Dinner: pizza overload (hanging head in shame)

Snacks: pretzels with greek yogurt dip, omega trek mix

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