Tag Archives: exercise

Oops, I did it again! (and again and again!)

First, Happy New Year! And yes, I have been gone for a long, long, long time!

Yup, still in that ole self-destructive pattern.  But a lot has happened since you’ve heard from me last, some of which I couldn’t even talk about prior because it was a surprise!

1. In June, my siblings started contacting each other via e-mail since one of us had realized it was my Dad and Step-mom’s 25th wedding anniversary that August.  What were we going to do about it?  There were lots of suggestions, such as a family trip to the bahamas, a party, or renting a houseboat on Lake Mead, and finally, a reunion of sorts for Thanksgiving.  Apparently, most of the family gets together in Phoenix for Thanksgiving yearly, so to some siblings, this was not all that special.  However, for me, it was a big deal! I hadn’t been around the extended family for a long, long period of time.  For me to agree to a trip showed incredible growth.  But, then the anxiety started to set in.

My eating, which had been slipping since late September, really started to spiral where over-eating at dinnertime was becoming a regular pattern, and exercise was sporadic at best.  I increased sessions with my therapist, as well as with my trainer so I would at least get some exercise in.  I went to more OA meetings than usual, but none of this really was helping.  Not only did I have fear about being with my family knowing how isolated I feel, but I had to fly, one of my biggest fears.

I won’t go into all the details leading up to the trip, but let’s say I busied myself with making plans and taking charge of the details for that weekend’s celebration.  It helped me to re-focus.

How was the trip, you ask? Well, better than expected, actually.  Food was on par, even got some good exercise in, but I did have some moments where it was all too overwhelming and old insecurities set in.  So, it was a good decision to go, and things worked out, but it did leave me with an issue–I had done damage that I didn’t know how to repair! By isolating, I missed out on so much that I didn’t have much to relate to anymore.  I barely knew some of my family members at all anymore. Now, what can I do to change that?  I need to figure that out.

2. Then, a month later was my big trip! I flew into New Orleans (met up with my folks in Houston) and spent a week slowly making my way to Florida.  Then, a week cruise in the Carribbean.  Well, eating and plan was actually mostly good the first week, but the minute I got on the boat, it was no holds barred! I ate compulsively and excessively.  I gambled daily, racking up a bill way over my budget.  The weather was not so cooperative, but still–I had a great (and memorable) time.

3. Since coming back home (January 6), I have really struggled.  Not exercising, not taking my medications regularly, eating like total sh*t, the works. Have a don’t care, life sucks, woe is me attitude.  It is not working for me anymore, but I feel like I don’t know how to get back on my plan, how to motivate myself, and how to really commit to my program.

So, how do I pick up the pieces? I’m still working that out, so stay tuned….


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Food Diary: Day 235 (Sept 13)

Breakfast: Lean pocket bacon, egg and cheese; apple slices

Pretty pathetic looking meal, huh?

Lunch: Orange Tilapia with rice, veggies

Dinner: Tuna melt wrap (tuna, light mayo, light jarlsberg in low cal tortilla); pop chips

Snacks: sugar free pudding cup, mini wheat bagel with ff cream cheese, trek mix

Exercise: 12 minutes tennis drills, 45 minutes strength training, 55 minutes cardio (5 minute warm-up, 50 minutes after strength training)

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Food Diary: Day 233 (Sept 11)

Breakfast: bagel thin with ff cream cheese, apple slices, coffee with creamer

Lunch: Lean cuisine mushroom ravioli, veggies


Dinner: Wendy’s Apple Pecan Salad


Snacks: 3/4 Granola bar

Exercise: Jazzercise, 1 hour; 10 minutes tennis practice

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What’s next?? The straight jacket??

Depression hurts…but you don’t have to!


Yup, my meds increased today.  I’ve been struggling this month, and finally made it to my therapy appt. where it seemed mutually agreed to increase the dosage of my current anti-depressant.  Just been in a bit of a funk, and way stressed lately. I’ve still been on my eating and exercise plan, but mentally–totally off my game.

Funny how the brain works.  Wish I could really acknowledge all the good things I’ve done instead of continually concentrating on the bad or negative.  Hate feeling like this, like I need some kind of validation of worth–but from whom? From family? From friends? From strangers? Or, from myself?

So much work to do on myself.  I can get one part going well (the physical, for now) and the rest falls apart.  I’ve never been good at balance or coordination, so that figures.  Anyway, will try to do something fun for myself this weekend–maybe see a movie or get my toes done.  And lots of exercise planned this week, including another round with DEL (that’s Devil exercise lady AKA my personal trainer).  Sure could use a dose of those endorphins right about now!

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Food Diary: Day 232 (Sept 10)

Breakfast:  Oatmeal with dried fruit, apple slices, coffee with creamer


Lunch: Pesto and 4 cheese eggplant stacker, veggies, jello-o pudding cup


Dinner: Chicken with laughing cow cheese, green beans,  multi-grain rice


Snacks: granola bar

Exercise: None–had therapy appt. instead!

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Food Diary: Day 230 (Sept 8) and Houston, we have a problem!

OK, we have a problem, Houston!  My splurge meals have officially gone out of control! It started with 1 (just one!) “anything I feel like meal”, but it’s now becoming the whole day off, and I’ve been using it as an almost binge-type day!  I must get this under control, and even though it’s not effecting me on the scale, it’s not making me feel good!  I need to stop this behavior and make sure that my days during the week are more balanced so I’m not craving so much.  I know I have a tendency to eat too few calories on some days, so I really need to examine that and build in more healthy fats and proteins so I won’t be having days like this.

Breakfast: 1/4 cup of OJ, 1 tbsp peanut butter (pre-gym); fruit and yogurt parfait and small nonfat latte (post gym)

Lunch: Gyros plate (no rice, sub salad, 1/2 pita)


Dinner: BBQ Plate (ate about 3/4 of it)


Snacks: Yogurtland yogurt with bad-for-me toppings!

Exercise: 53 minutes elliptical (my first Saturday workout, and so glad I did since I went overboard on food splurges yet again!)

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For those of you who want to give up…..

DON’T!!!! Don’t ever give up on yourself! I’ve been reading so much lately on some of the message boards from people who are seemingly overwhelmed by their own weight loss journey, not having successful losses or being able to control their food urges, that they just want to give up! Or some, who have lost a little bit, but feel like it’s not enough. And others who week after week see no change in the scale.

I was that person too! I can never afford to be that person again!  Sure, we all know about the stats and health benefits of  “even losing just 10% of your body weight”…yada yada.  We weight losers can teach classes on all the things we should do, how nutrition and exercise need to hold hands all the time, and so forth. But putting a program into motion and staying with it? Yeah, not so much.  Especially when it doesn’t seem to be working for you, yet people all around you are doing great!

For me, the hardest part of this journey has not been changing my eating habits, nor exercising, but rather learning to like and accept myself as I am.  My heart aches for the people who are just having no luck or relying on the scale to determine their worth and success.  To you, I plead: please, keep going, try new things, talk to people, get in counseling, post messages for encouragement!

I too feel overwhelmed at times by this journey, of how far I still have to go—but, I can reflect on all that I’ve accomplished and it’s not just those numbers on the scale that are making me feel good, but all those little things.  So again, folks, keep a diary or record of all those little things that will change as you lose weight—-like going up and down stairs without being out of breath, or choosing fruit over cake.  These things all matter and so do you!

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