Tag Archives: Food Diary

Oops, I did it again! (and again and again!)

First, Happy New Year! And yes, I have been gone for a long, long, long time!

Yup, still in that ole self-destructive pattern.  But a lot has happened since you’ve heard from me last, some of which I couldn’t even talk about prior because it was a surprise!

1. In June, my siblings started contacting each other via e-mail since one of us had realized it was my Dad and Step-mom’s 25th wedding anniversary that August.  What were we going to do about it?  There were lots of suggestions, such as a family trip to the bahamas, a party, or renting a houseboat on Lake Mead, and finally, a reunion of sorts for Thanksgiving.  Apparently, most of the family gets together in Phoenix for Thanksgiving yearly, so to some siblings, this was not all that special.  However, for me, it was a big deal! I hadn’t been around the extended family for a long, long period of time.  For me to agree to a trip showed incredible growth.  But, then the anxiety started to set in.

My eating, which had been slipping since late September, really started to spiral where over-eating at dinnertime was becoming a regular pattern, and exercise was sporadic at best.  I increased sessions with my therapist, as well as with my trainer so I would at least get some exercise in.  I went to more OA meetings than usual, but none of this really was helping.  Not only did I have fear about being with my family knowing how isolated I feel, but I had to fly, one of my biggest fears.

I won’t go into all the details leading up to the trip, but let’s say I busied myself with making plans and taking charge of the details for that weekend’s celebration.  It helped me to re-focus.

How was the trip, you ask? Well, better than expected, actually.  Food was on par, even got some good exercise in, but I did have some moments where it was all too overwhelming and old insecurities set in.  So, it was a good decision to go, and things worked out, but it did leave me with an issue–I had done damage that I didn’t know how to repair! By isolating, I missed out on so much that I didn’t have much to relate to anymore.  I barely knew some of my family members at all anymore. Now, what can I do to change that?  I need to figure that out.

2. Then, a month later was my big trip! I flew into New Orleans (met up with my folks in Houston) and spent a week slowly making my way to Florida.  Then, a week cruise in the Carribbean.  Well, eating and plan was actually mostly good the first week, but the minute I got on the boat, it was no holds barred! I ate compulsively and excessively.  I gambled daily, racking up a bill way over my budget.  The weather was not so cooperative, but still–I had a great (and memorable) time.

3. Since coming back home (January 6), I have really struggled.  Not exercising, not taking my medications regularly, eating like total sh*t, the works. Have a don’t care, life sucks, woe is me attitude.  It is not working for me anymore, but I feel like I don’t know how to get back on my plan, how to motivate myself, and how to really commit to my program.

So, how do I pick up the pieces? I’m still working that out, so stay tuned….

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If patience is a virtue…

Consider me virtue-less!!! In all seriousness, I have my father to thank for my lack of patience!  Now, it doesn’t apply to every aspect of my life, but most.  My biggest peeves?

1. Timeliness:  I can’t stand to be late–it just won’t happen!  I definitely learned this from my Dad.  When I was in school, it was a huge fear/obsession to not have to walk into any classroom late–probably for fear of being stared at.   I would rather have skipped the whole class than even be 5 minutes late (and have to admit, that has happened twice!!!).  That feeling has stuck with me, though, and as the adult I am now, I just can’t be late for anything! I am ALWAYS early, because to me, you are only on time if you are at least 5 minutes early.  I don’t let this compulsion direct my life, but say, if I miss the previews at the movies, I am pretty dang moody!  In good news, I’ll never be the person who misses their flight, loses a diner reservation or anything like that!

2. Waiting: So this is a blanket–I just hate waiting–for good news, for bad news, in lines, for someone else to get their act together, to lose more weight, etc.  I have been made more conscientious of this lately, especially on my weight loss journey.  I try not to get an idea stuck in my mind of being at a particular weight or size by a certain timeline, but girl can’t help it!  The trick is to not obsess or beat myself up.  This is a journey that is never-ending.  I have to learn how to respond to emotions in healthy ways–not by bingeing.   Right now, I am eagerly awaiting my big trip in December–that’s just 2 months away!  I’m trying to get the people traveling with me all excited too–but they’re not quite….Is it sad that a trip is what I have to look forward to for a year?  If so, I better plan another one for next year stat!

Funny though, when it c0mes to some things, I have all the patience in the world!

1. Computers: I consider myself a bit of a computer nerd, but it is all self-taught!  I do like helping other people learn how to use technology, especially for those that are fearful.  For this, I am extremely patient, and the only time I get irritated is if someone is asking me, say, every five minutes for help.

2. Training/mentoring: You can ask me the same question, 50 times in 50 different ways, and I’ll be ok with that.  I am passionate about my field (social services), and if it takes several tries to pass on that passion, I’m OK and willing.

 

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Feeling self-righteous in all the wrong ways!

Funny, there was a statement in one of the OA steps I’d read this week about being self-righteous, judging people who were not on the plan, etc.  I realized I am so guilty of this.  Especially at work! I found myself “teasing” a couple of people at work for eating some of those damn pastries the boss buys practically daily, only because they had both been saying they wanted to lose some weight, eat a little healthier, etc.  I’m no gate keeper, but I was sure acting like one.  It made me think what I would do if someone saw me eating something seemingly not fit for a weight loss plan, how annoyed I would be.

And then, at another OA meeting, there were a couple of new faces, and one member disclosed a lot–I mean, a lot!  First, I thought–how brave! Then, thank goodness I’m not that f***ked up!  See, there I go, judging again!  I’m in no way thinking I’m better than anyone else on this planet.  We all have our strengths and challenges, and believe me, my self-esteem has not ever given me a big head.  So, why these behaviors?  I’m a bit disappointed in myself, but I now know what I need to work on (among many, many, many other things!)

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Food Diary: Day 235 (Sept 13)

Breakfast: Lean pocket bacon, egg and cheese; apple slices

Pretty pathetic looking meal, huh?

Lunch: Orange Tilapia with rice, veggies

Dinner: Tuna melt wrap (tuna, light mayo, light jarlsberg in low cal tortilla); pop chips

Snacks: sugar free pudding cup, mini wheat bagel with ff cream cheese, trek mix

Exercise: 12 minutes tennis drills, 45 minutes strength training, 55 minutes cardio (5 minute warm-up, 50 minutes after strength training)

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What’s next?? The straight jacket??

Depression hurts…but you don’t have to!

 

Yup, my meds increased today.  I’ve been struggling this month, and finally made it to my therapy appt. where it seemed mutually agreed to increase the dosage of my current anti-depressant.  Just been in a bit of a funk, and way stressed lately. I’ve still been on my eating and exercise plan, but mentally–totally off my game.

Funny how the brain works.  Wish I could really acknowledge all the good things I’ve done instead of continually concentrating on the bad or negative.  Hate feeling like this, like I need some kind of validation of worth–but from whom? From family? From friends? From strangers? Or, from myself?

So much work to do on myself.  I can get one part going well (the physical, for now) and the rest falls apart.  I’ve never been good at balance or coordination, so that figures.  Anyway, will try to do something fun for myself this weekend–maybe see a movie or get my toes done.  And lots of exercise planned this week, including another round with DEL (that’s Devil exercise lady AKA my personal trainer).  Sure could use a dose of those endorphins right about now!

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Food Diary: Day 232 (Sept 10)

Breakfast:  Oatmeal with dried fruit, apple slices, coffee with creamer

 

Lunch: Pesto and 4 cheese eggplant stacker, veggies, jello-o pudding cup

 

Dinner: Chicken with laughing cow cheese, green beans,  multi-grain rice

 

Snacks: granola bar

Exercise: None–had therapy appt. instead!

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Food Diary: Day 230 (Sept 8) and Houston, we have a problem!

OK, we have a problem, Houston!  My splurge meals have officially gone out of control! It started with 1 (just one!) “anything I feel like meal”, but it’s now becoming the whole day off, and I’ve been using it as an almost binge-type day!  I must get this under control, and even though it’s not effecting me on the scale, it’s not making me feel good!  I need to stop this behavior and make sure that my days during the week are more balanced so I’m not craving so much.  I know I have a tendency to eat too few calories on some days, so I really need to examine that and build in more healthy fats and proteins so I won’t be having days like this.

Breakfast: 1/4 cup of OJ, 1 tbsp peanut butter (pre-gym); fruit and yogurt parfait and small nonfat latte (post gym)

Lunch: Gyros plate (no rice, sub salad, 1/2 pita)

 

Dinner: BBQ Plate (ate about 3/4 of it)

 

Snacks: Yogurtland yogurt with bad-for-me toppings!

Exercise: 53 minutes elliptical (my first Saturday workout, and so glad I did since I went overboard on food splurges yet again!)

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