First, Happy New Year! And yes, I have been gone for a long, long, long time!
Yup, still in that ole self-destructive pattern. But a lot has happened since you’ve heard from me last, some of which I couldn’t even talk about prior because it was a surprise!
1. In June, my siblings started contacting each other via e-mail since one of us had realized it was my Dad and Step-mom’s 25th wedding anniversary that August. What were we going to do about it? There were lots of suggestions, such as a family trip to the bahamas, a party, or renting a houseboat on Lake Mead, and finally, a reunion of sorts for Thanksgiving. Apparently, most of the family gets together in Phoenix for Thanksgiving yearly, so to some siblings, this was not all that special. However, for me, it was a big deal! I hadn’t been around the extended family for a long, long period of time. For me to agree to a trip showed incredible growth. But, then the anxiety started to set in.
My eating, which had been slipping since late September, really started to spiral where over-eating at dinnertime was becoming a regular pattern, and exercise was sporadic at best. I increased sessions with my therapist, as well as with my trainer so I would at least get some exercise in. I went to more OA meetings than usual, but none of this really was helping. Not only did I have fear about being with my family knowing how isolated I feel, but I had to fly, one of my biggest fears.
I won’t go into all the details leading up to the trip, but let’s say I busied myself with making plans and taking charge of the details for that weekend’s celebration. It helped me to re-focus.
How was the trip, you ask? Well, better than expected, actually. Food was on par, even got some good exercise in, but I did have some moments where it was all too overwhelming and old insecurities set in. So, it was a good decision to go, and things worked out, but it did leave me with an issue–I had done damage that I didn’t know how to repair! By isolating, I missed out on so much that I didn’t have much to relate to anymore. I barely knew some of my family members at all anymore. Now, what can I do to change that? I need to figure that out.
2. Then, a month later was my big trip! I flew into New Orleans (met up with my folks in Houston) and spent a week slowly making my way to Florida. Then, a week cruise in the Carribbean. Well, eating and plan was actually mostly good the first week, but the minute I got on the boat, it was no holds barred! I ate compulsively and excessively. I gambled daily, racking up a bill way over my budget. The weather was not so cooperative, but still–I had a great (and memorable) time.
3. Since coming back home (January 6), I have really struggled. Not exercising, not taking my medications regularly, eating like total sh*t, the works. Have a don’t care, life sucks, woe is me attitude. It is not working for me anymore, but I feel like I don’t know how to get back on my plan, how to motivate myself, and how to really commit to my program.
So, how do I pick up the pieces? I’m still working that out, so stay tuned….