Tag Archives: Weight Loss

Oops, I did it again! (and again and again!)

First, Happy New Year! And yes, I have been gone for a long, long, long time!

Yup, still in that ole self-destructive pattern.  But a lot has happened since you’ve heard from me last, some of which I couldn’t even talk about prior because it was a surprise!

1. In June, my siblings started contacting each other via e-mail since one of us had realized it was my Dad and Step-mom’s 25th wedding anniversary that August.  What were we going to do about it?  There were lots of suggestions, such as a family trip to the bahamas, a party, or renting a houseboat on Lake Mead, and finally, a reunion of sorts for Thanksgiving.  Apparently, most of the family gets together in Phoenix for Thanksgiving yearly, so to some siblings, this was not all that special.  However, for me, it was a big deal! I hadn’t been around the extended family for a long, long period of time.  For me to agree to a trip showed incredible growth.  But, then the anxiety started to set in.

My eating, which had been slipping since late September, really started to spiral where over-eating at dinnertime was becoming a regular pattern, and exercise was sporadic at best.  I increased sessions with my therapist, as well as with my trainer so I would at least get some exercise in.  I went to more OA meetings than usual, but none of this really was helping.  Not only did I have fear about being with my family knowing how isolated I feel, but I had to fly, one of my biggest fears.

I won’t go into all the details leading up to the trip, but let’s say I busied myself with making plans and taking charge of the details for that weekend’s celebration.  It helped me to re-focus.

How was the trip, you ask? Well, better than expected, actually.  Food was on par, even got some good exercise in, but I did have some moments where it was all too overwhelming and old insecurities set in.  So, it was a good decision to go, and things worked out, but it did leave me with an issue–I had done damage that I didn’t know how to repair! By isolating, I missed out on so much that I didn’t have much to relate to anymore.  I barely knew some of my family members at all anymore. Now, what can I do to change that?  I need to figure that out.

2. Then, a month later was my big trip! I flew into New Orleans (met up with my folks in Houston) and spent a week slowly making my way to Florida.  Then, a week cruise in the Carribbean.  Well, eating and plan was actually mostly good the first week, but the minute I got on the boat, it was no holds barred! I ate compulsively and excessively.  I gambled daily, racking up a bill way over my budget.  The weather was not so cooperative, but still–I had a great (and memorable) time.

3. Since coming back home (January 6), I have really struggled.  Not exercising, not taking my medications regularly, eating like total sh*t, the works. Have a don’t care, life sucks, woe is me attitude.  It is not working for me anymore, but I feel like I don’t know how to get back on my plan, how to motivate myself, and how to really commit to my program.

So, how do I pick up the pieces? I’m still working that out, so stay tuned….

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If patience is a virtue…

Consider me virtue-less!!! In all seriousness, I have my father to thank for my lack of patience!  Now, it doesn’t apply to every aspect of my life, but most.  My biggest peeves?

1. Timeliness:  I can’t stand to be late–it just won’t happen!  I definitely learned this from my Dad.  When I was in school, it was a huge fear/obsession to not have to walk into any classroom late–probably for fear of being stared at.   I would rather have skipped the whole class than even be 5 minutes late (and have to admit, that has happened twice!!!).  That feeling has stuck with me, though, and as the adult I am now, I just can’t be late for anything! I am ALWAYS early, because to me, you are only on time if you are at least 5 minutes early.  I don’t let this compulsion direct my life, but say, if I miss the previews at the movies, I am pretty dang moody!  In good news, I’ll never be the person who misses their flight, loses a diner reservation or anything like that!

2. Waiting: So this is a blanket–I just hate waiting–for good news, for bad news, in lines, for someone else to get their act together, to lose more weight, etc.  I have been made more conscientious of this lately, especially on my weight loss journey.  I try not to get an idea stuck in my mind of being at a particular weight or size by a certain timeline, but girl can’t help it!  The trick is to not obsess or beat myself up.  This is a journey that is never-ending.  I have to learn how to respond to emotions in healthy ways–not by bingeing.   Right now, I am eagerly awaiting my big trip in December–that’s just 2 months away!  I’m trying to get the people traveling with me all excited too–but they’re not quite….Is it sad that a trip is what I have to look forward to for a year?  If so, I better plan another one for next year stat!

Funny though, when it c0mes to some things, I have all the patience in the world!

1. Computers: I consider myself a bit of a computer nerd, but it is all self-taught!  I do like helping other people learn how to use technology, especially for those that are fearful.  For this, I am extremely patient, and the only time I get irritated is if someone is asking me, say, every five minutes for help.

2. Training/mentoring: You can ask me the same question, 50 times in 50 different ways, and I’ll be ok with that.  I am passionate about my field (social services), and if it takes several tries to pass on that passion, I’m OK and willing.

 

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That age old question of which came first–that stupid chicken or cholesterol-laden egg?!

As I meet and open up to more people, I’m finding a common thread.  Many of the folks struggling with food addictions also struggle with depression—which leads me to ask: “which came first?”

Does having food struggles cause depression or does having depression result in food struggles?? It’s probably different for different people.  But it makes me think–if (when) I reach a healthy body weight, will I suddenly not be depressed anymore?  Will I not need to be on meds?  Will I still need counseling? Basically, will losing weight solve all of my life problems???

I know the answer–no! Losing weight/getting healthy will not solve my problems, but it certainly will feel nice not to have some of the problems associated with being heavy.  Mentally, I’m still in a fairly fragile state, still learning to accept myself, let alone like myself!

It was just interesting to see just how many of the folks I’ve met so far on my journey are battling depression as well as their own food disease. It seems like one of those “no fair” situations, doesn’t it?  That’s not to say thin, healthy people don’t have issues with depression, because they do.  But it makes me wonder what the percentage is in heavier people versus thinner people.   Hmm….do I hear a research project??!!

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When people make comments that they just shouldn’t

During my weight loss journey thus far, I’ve gotten some pretty interesting comments.  I myself admit that I’m not sure the best way to ask about weight changes unless I really know the person and their struggles/successes.  I think some people really need to learn to self-filter.  Here are some of my faves so far:

1. “You look–happy.  Are you in love?”

2. “Wow, your skin looks really good lately.”

3. “Did you do something different with your hair?”

4. “Keep this up and the guys will be all over you!”

5. “So, are you dating more now?”

6. “Something seems different about you—”

 

Yeah, do you notice a pattern?  It seems that while I was at my heaviest, my dating life must have really been awful!  In truth, it was, but not solely due to weight.  I have issues, people, and trust is one of them.  Anyway, I get slightly offended that my losing weight suddenly makes me attractive–guess I knew what these folks were thinking of me before, right?? It pisses me off that heavy people are practically dehumanized as it is, and certainly, de-sexualized!  Hey, heavy people can be sexy and get it on too!!! The only reason that I foresee an increase in dates is because of increasing self-confidence and self-esteem that I am gaining while on this journey, that tells me I could be a great partner! Only thing, I’m not really ready for a relationship right now–I have much work to do on self first.  I’m no good to someone else until I get my head on a little tighter.

So what do I say to these folks with these lovely comments above?

1. “Nope, just on happy pills!”

2. “Thanks! I’ve started really taking care of my rosacea.”

3. “Well, I’ve been lighting/highlighting it for about 2 years now, so….no?”

4. ” No thanks!” (this is the most acceptable answer I can think of, figuring that people will either a. think I’m a lesbian b. think I’m just not ready (or attractive enough-yet)

5. “Nope”

6. “Really? Same old me” (this is me at my snarkiest best!!!)

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Feeling self-righteous in all the wrong ways!

Funny, there was a statement in one of the OA steps I’d read this week about being self-righteous, judging people who were not on the plan, etc.  I realized I am so guilty of this.  Especially at work! I found myself “teasing” a couple of people at work for eating some of those damn pastries the boss buys practically daily, only because they had both been saying they wanted to lose some weight, eat a little healthier, etc.  I’m no gate keeper, but I was sure acting like one.  It made me think what I would do if someone saw me eating something seemingly not fit for a weight loss plan, how annoyed I would be.

And then, at another OA meeting, there were a couple of new faces, and one member disclosed a lot–I mean, a lot!  First, I thought–how brave! Then, thank goodness I’m not that f***ked up!  See, there I go, judging again!  I’m in no way thinking I’m better than anyone else on this planet.  We all have our strengths and challenges, and believe me, my self-esteem has not ever given me a big head.  So, why these behaviors?  I’m a bit disappointed in myself, but I now know what I need to work on (among many, many, many other things!)

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Do you ever wonder how you got somewhere?

I mean, besides the every day don’t-remember-the-drive-to-work  today (or am I the only one with that issue???) No, I mean in life.  I have never had a good relationship with math or numbers, in general.  In fact, this even transcends to foreign languages, as I can speak some moderately decent Spanish, but can’t do numbers or addresses that have numbers or anything having to do with counting, etc.

Anyway, with no love for facts and figures of this type, I find myself to be the Enrollment Lead at my job which involves…..numbers and math!!  It’s kind of like statistics-I have to track all the applications processed (upwards of 300), track ratios of children in classes to ensure it’s equally mixed in ages according to very strict Head Start standards, track attendance that is supposed to meet 85% per child, and such! Ugh!  Yet, I find myself more than just competent with this area–I guess my agency agrees since I’m still in charge of this.

Today, we had orientations for families, and had to deal with numerous requests of classrooms changes and the like, which frankly is a pain in the you know where!  But it’s up to me to help or even figure it out to make sure we meet our enrollment numbers.  It’s funny that I’ve come to like and appreciate data, and even though I still suck at math, I don’t fear numbers the same way.

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Food Diary: Day 235 (Sept 13)

Breakfast: Lean pocket bacon, egg and cheese; apple slices

Pretty pathetic looking meal, huh?

Lunch: Orange Tilapia with rice, veggies

Dinner: Tuna melt wrap (tuna, light mayo, light jarlsberg in low cal tortilla); pop chips

Snacks: sugar free pudding cup, mini wheat bagel with ff cream cheese, trek mix

Exercise: 12 minutes tennis drills, 45 minutes strength training, 55 minutes cardio (5 minute warm-up, 50 minutes after strength training)

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